The Untold Adventure of Link
by KatieandLink
Summary: Based on the Legend of Zelda series. An adventure untold... Until now. Upon updating, most swears have been removed so it's not as tasteless.
1. Chapter One

Chapter 1  
  
============================================================== Disclaimer: The author of this story has no intention of making fun of any part of this game. So if you are a dedicated Zelda Fan, be advised. *shifty eyes* ==============================================================  
  
Zelda: The Untold Adventure of Link Chapter One  
  
Lying there, under that beautiful oak tree was pure bliss. The birds softly singing overhead, the warm breeze caressing his face. "It couldnt get any better than this." He thought. Smiling, he opened his eyes. The sun was hanging in the sky and the white cotton clouds soared above. Suddenly, a bird fluttered down near him. It chirped as if to say something. "Aww screw off, buzzard." He muttered, closing his eyes again. It chirped again, getting closer to his face. With a careless wave of his hand he smacked it away. A few seconds later, he had the feeling that he shouldn't have done that. The bird, apparently pissed, dove upwards and began immediately attacking the guy's head. "BAAH! Crap! Geddit off! GEDDIT OFF!!" He began rolling around pawing at his face trying to fend off the crazed bird. Abruptly he snapped awake and sat straight up. Panting, he fumbled for the clock near his bed. But what he saw wasn't any clock. It was some strange, hovering object. It looked like a ball of red light with wings. Soon, he recognized it as a fairy. He stared blankly as it spoke.   
  
"Hmph! What a brute!" Its bright red color faded slowly to a calm, yellowish glow as it rambled on and on. "If I had known that you were such an agressive morning person, I would have brought a shield! Why, if you had tried that sort of thing with me 3 hours ago, you would have regretted it. But I'm much older now so if you'd kindly just --"  
  
"ALL RIGHT!!" Link finally shouted. "Don't yell at me so much when I haven't had my coffee!!! Now....." He paused. "What is it that requires me so desperately at 5 o' frickin' clock in the morning, you glowing freak?!"  
  
The fairy suddenly became tart and businesslike. "My NAME, Link, is Navi. And for your information, the Great Deku Tree has summoned YOU of all people to his clearing in the forest. We must be there promptly. Hmph!" Seeing the look on Link's face she added: " And never mind how the heck I know your name."   
  
Sighing and mumbling, Link slid off his bed. He began to remove his pajamas that had Triforce symbols all over them and noticed that Navi was still hovering in front of him. He glared. "SHOO, you pervert. I'll be out in a minute." He watched her as she flew out the door to wait. He pulled on a new, green tunic, fastened his favorite brown belt around his waist, and pulled on his worn-in leathery Kokiri Boots. Finally, he pulled on his hood-like hat over his long blonde hair. His blue eyes ran over himself in the mirror to make sure everything was on right, and he headed for the door.   
  
He reached the doorway and felt the floor give way beneath him. There was a deafening crash and splintering wood. Screaming bloody murder, Link flailed helplessly as he fell into the blackness.   
  
*~End~* 


	2. Chapter Two

Zelda: The Untold Adventure of Link Chapter Two  
  
WHUMP. He landed, finally, on a soft, unfamiliar surface. As he stood up, fearful thoughts raced through his mind. "The heck?!" He stammered. It was pitch black. The only thing he saw was what seemed to be a never-ending black void. Above, he saw a small white patch of light. It was the hole he fell through. It was so far away that it only looked the size of a quarter. Silence encircled him. He shivered. He opened his mouth to speak again, but just then, an echoing wind whirled about the void.   
  
Sinister laughter filled the air. Link froze, awestruck. "Feeble child," It began."You are foolish to have thought that you could just leave me behind and forget about me..." Link remained quiet. "Your silence explains it all. I know you recognize my voice.. Haha. It is I. Your teddy bear! MR. RUFFLYKINS!!"   
  
"Wait a minute!!!" Link shouted. "I never had a teddy bear named Mr. Rufflykins!"  
  
"EH?" The voice seemed deeply confused. "Uhh.. Is this not Mido of the Kokiri folk???"  
  
"Uh, Nooooo.... This is LINK. Dumbass." He was angry that he had been confused with the biggest prick in his villiage.   
  
"Ohhhh crudmuffins," Said the voice, sounding very embarassed and disappointed. I spent YEARS slaving and building this booby trap dungeon by hand! I wanted to get that little snot back for forgetting me and replacing me with a George Bush action figure. And to think I took the wrong turn at Albuquerque and ended up building it under the wrong house!! Sorry about the mix-up. I'll just turn these lights back on." And the wind was gone. 


	3. Chapter Three

Zelda: The Untold Adventure of Link  
  
Chapter 3  
  
"Wait wait wait!" Link cried into the silence. "What the frick am I supposed to do to get outta this place?!"  
  
"Oh yeah…" The windy voice returned. "Take this.." And out of thin air popped a muffin and it landed in Link's outstretched hands.  
  
Link's eyes bugged out. "A muffin. A MUFFIN? What the Hylia am I gonna do with this?!"  
  
"Ohhhh, that's not just any muffin. It is the Almighty God-like Muffin of Baked Goodness!" The voice replied seriously. "Look at it carefully…" And the voice faded away and Link was left alone with silence and that twittering fairy, Navi.  
  
Link stared at the muffin… He noticed that on the top of it was carved a very detailed map that must have been of the place he was in right now. Link blinked in disbelief. "Wow. He has too much time on his hands…" He noticed that there were 3 rooms to the dungeon. He decided to get going.  
  
He neared the door that was the only exit from this room. Navi flitted behind him as he stepped into the next room. The door slammed shut behind him which made him jump. It was eerily quiet. The only noise came from the flickering torches on the dungeon walls. Link thought to himself as he surveyed the area. " I hope I don't run into anything I'm going to have to fend off because I don't have anything to fend off with."  
  
Suddenly as if something were reading Link's thoughts, a humungous, black,… spirit-y… thing burst from the depths beneath the dungeon and laughed a demonic laugh with a gaping red mouth and red slits for eyes. Although it seemed to be made of some dark vapor, it looked muscular and unstoppable!  
  
Frozen in horror, Link backed against the wall and, hyperventilating, rummaged in his pockets for something… anything!!! His hand closed around something… What was it? 


	4. Chapter Four

Zelda: The Untold Adventure of Link  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Pocket lint… Link stared, dumbfounded, at the green, fuzzy pile of junk that rested in his palm. (Yes, I know, pocket lint is normally blue but Link's tunic is green). "What am I going to do with pocked lint?!" He thought frantically. As he studied this fuzzball and tried to find any usefulness to it he realized how quiet it got. He looked up and saw the horrid creature completely stupefied. It seemed entranced by what Link had pulled out of his pocket.  
  
"You want it?" Link asked tantalizingly. The spirit panted and nodded it's head vigorously. Realizing the power he had over this monster, Link smiled deviously. He raised the lint over his head. The monster followed it. He slowly moved it from left to right. The monster followed it. He faked the monster out by pretending to toss it and the monster whirled around like a thick-headed dog expecting its master to throw a ball. Link laughed. Having had enough of this torture, Link tossed it for real. The spirit then zoomed over to fetch it, with its mouth hanging wide open and drooling and panting. Link then simply walked past it and the door opened.   
  
"That was too easy…" Link muttered.  
  
"…..Yeahhhh.." Navi answered. Link glanced at her indignantly as though she was being snotty. "..What?! I havent said anything in a while!" She added.  
  
Shaking his head, Link advanced into the room. Carelessly, he began to investigate and he felt his foot sink a bit into the floor. Then he heard a click and some distant drum beats that sounded like the bongos a poet would beat on. Wondering what on earth was next, he regretfully glanced at the floor and noticed an impression which must have been a button that he stepped on.  
  
The drumming grew louder and louder. "Ohhh crap… Ohhh butt nuggets…" Link tremored at the thought that he may really have set something off this time. The room began to shake. Small bits of debris began to rain from the ceiling. "This must be it," said Link, his voice cracking in fear. "This must be what I'm here for!"  
  
Suddenly-- CRASH! Something burst from thin air with such a deafening noise that Link was afraid he was going to have to check his tunic and make sure he hadn't wet himself. He saw the figure straighten up, but it was dimly cloaked in shadow and clouds of mystical dust. All he could make out was a human form with some scary lumpy protrusion from its right shoulder. Then it began to speak in a slow, gruff whisper.  
  
" 'E' before 'I' except after 'Q',  
  
Is what I have been taught,  
  
Me like cheese and you like too,  
  
'X' is vowel, 'O' is not…."  
  
Following that there was a small drum beat that ended in a flourish. During that whole speech, Link was frozen by an odd force and that force had lifted once the poem had ended. Before Link could even force this thing to come out of the shadows and show it self and insult it on its complete lack of knowledge of proper grammar, he felt a sudden pain as though he had been struck by a blunt object. "Ow!"  
  
"The letter 'P' is not your friend,  
  
The letter 'D' makes a *phuh* sound,  
  
Here in this room you'll meet your end,  
  
Helped by BAD GRAMMAR CLOWN!"  
  
*(artistic drum beat)*  
  
And with such strange, disturbing words, Link felt another surge of pain and the room was illuminated with green light. The figure was defined as this: A floating, face-painted man with a black artists hat on. He had on square sunglasses, black pants and a black leather jacket. He sported a slicked goatee and had a menacing look about him. He also had a wicked-looking monkey on his shoulder and two bongos strapped to his waist. For a clown, the only thing on him that remotely resembled what is widely thought of as a clown was his face. The rest seemed more like a poet. DUH. In any case, this was no doubt, the boss of this dungeon. 


	5. Chapter Five

Zelda: The Untold Adventure of Link  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Bug-eyed, Link strained to think logically. He found this hard after such trauma early in his day. All he could focus on was that monkey, glaring evilly at him; he couldn't seem to break eye contact with it. "Hey, it's a monkey," Link thought nonchalantly. "Know what that monkey reminds me of? That monkey from Pirates of the Caribbean. That monkey was scary. Johnny Depp was really hot, though…. Whoa did I just think that??" Meanwhile the clown was preparing another Verse of Doom.  
  
"There once was a man from Venus..--" But before the clown could finish, Navi, who had realized Link was completely spacing out, darted towards the clown to distract it. The monkey was instantly delighted and it swiped the air trying to catch the nimble fairy.  
  
Link's "trance" seemed to have been broken and he thought clearly once again. With his eyes, he searched everywhere on the clown who was just as distracted as the monkey by Navi. Link remembered from past experience that usually a weak spot on an enemy would stand out. Then he noticed a glowing… thing on the clown's lower chest. That must be it. He glanced to make sure the time was right to make his move.  
  
Navi, on the other hand was a tad busy putting up with some abuse to buy Link some time. The monkey had decided to have a little fun by cupping the fairy in its primate hands which made her luminous glow disappear. Then it would open them and the light would shine again. When this happened, the monkey would make monkey noises and the clown would laugh like a thick-headed Neanderthal. For someone who was able to pull a rhythmic poem out of his ass, this guy was a tad slow on the uptake.  
  
After taking aim, Link lowered his head, intending on head butting the "weak spot" because he had nothing else to attack with besides his hard Hylian head. He began a mad dash toward his target. "HYYYYYAAAAAAAHHH!!"  
  
The clown looked up just in time to see Link sprinting towards him.  
  
THWANG-G-G-G-G!!! Link flew backward and landed square on his behind and looked up at the towering figure which hadn't budged an inch, dumbfounded.  
  
"Neener neener… boo boo,  
  
A childish exclamation,  
  
But truth I speak, that thing you smacked,  
  
Was merely decoration."  
  
Link was starting to get frustrated by the lack of mobility he had and the increasing pain that shot through him each time the clown rhymed. "Gah, what the frick! Enough with the fruity poet crap! Out with it!" And in Angry Link language, that meant 'Why, I say good sir, please do explain what you mean by such nonsense!'  
  
So the poetic clown did Link a favor and dumbed it down with a gangsta rap.  
  
"Lookie here, dawg, my homie yo G,  
  
You fell right ova n'you ran inta me.  
  
You dent it and you're handin' me some big cha-ching,  
  
Cuz that's my fav'rit piece o' stylin' bling bling."  
  
Link almost expected the clown to start break-dancing after that scary presentation. After the pain this rhyme inflicted passed and he was able to move again, it sank in. That wasn't a weak spot! It was a gold-plated pendant about the size of a tea saucer dangling from a chain around the clown's neck! And now that he looked closer he saw that engraved on it were the words:  
  
"BADD GRAMUR".  
  
"Ok," Link thought to himself again. "Back to the drawing board." But before he got too far with his thoughts he checked to see how Navi was faring.   
  
The monkey had lost interest in her a while ago and while Link pondered, the clown was busy readying his next attack. Link had little time. He was weakened by the previous attacks and the lump on his head was starting to make him dizzy. He knew he couldn't take even one more surge of pain so he had to act fast! But what could he do?!? 


End file.
